This is no kind of life. I am breaking down. The reality is that I am NOT getting better. All of the independent functions that I use to be able to do I can no longer do. I can't bathe myself, I can't feed myself, I can barely talk longer than a few minutes, if I walk more than two or three feet I feel as if I'm going to give out and I usually do. I am keeping hope alive but my sadness is ever present. I have felt that I have had to remain strong for the sake of others around me but I can no longer do it. This is really starting to wear on me mentally and emotionally. I am determined not to let it break me but it is definitely taking its toll.
There are days I wish not to wake up. Not because I want to die but because I wish I was still asleep and all of this mess was only a nightmare. Its not though, it's my life. Why did it have to be like this? This morning a simple cup of water was too heavy to carry. My arms feel as if someone has tied them tight to my sides and dared me to go about doing things. My hands feel as if they have been taped together into fist so that I have no use of my fingers and no dexterity, my neck muscles have weakened so much that I cannot even hold my head up straight to open my mouth and eat. Frustration wraps me like a blanket so tight each and every day. I am leveled by it each morning when I awake and try to get out of the bed. Even this has become very very difficult.
I don't know how much longer this will go on but I'm only human and I don't know how much more I can take. This is not life. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope my Heavenly Father that soon will not have to put up with these ailments anymore. He has given me a wonderful support system that I hope continues with me for however long this lasts.
Jay just remember we are all here to help you and always Jehovah is there for you 24/7. In reality, no one is living the real life. When you feeling down and weak, lean on others and Jehovah most of all. We love you lots!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you Amy. I don't diunt for a minute that Jehovaj is there for me. You all are wonderful too. True this by no means is the real life. This is a way for me to let out frustration but also open the window to my daily struggle as we seek treatment. I try to make sure that even though I voice my frustration that I also voice my hope for the future. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement too. the thing about this disease is I may want to call or text but often I cannot because my hands are too weak and my voice is too weak. I must admit that I appreciate the calls and texts from my friends to check in on me as well.
ReplyDeleteWe are and will always be in your corner
ReplyDeleteOh Jay, your realness keeps us all grounded to the way life can change at any given moment. You have an amazing wife that is so sweet! We love you so and think of you always. Numbers 6:24-26. Rachel, Ronald and Reuben
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