Don't Be Afraid

There was something on my mind before I went to sleep last night. It is still on mind this morning. I have extremely wonderful family and friends that have been of great comfort to us both. Yet I noticed something. Sometimes I notice someone reassuring me but at the same time I notice it being done because they think I am afraid or scared. No doubt I am so thankful for these kind words because they really lift me up. Still I don't want anyone to think I am afraid or in fear of this disease. True it is worrisome but I am not scared of what the outcome could be.

What is the outcome? I may never get better, even death. Accepting this has helped me get my mind ready. This disease is not an easy one. It takes its toll fast and the results are often times long lasting. Only a small percentage actually go into remission. True, I am hopeful but I am also not in denial. I try to always be positive. What helps me accomplish that is allowing myself to not look to far ahead just yet. Instead I cherish my small victories.

I know the reality of disease because I witnessed it with my mom. She never got her hopes up but she never lost hope either. Medicine and science can only do so much. I won't spend my time chasing this and that, I will do what I can. In my mind that will take away from me enjoying what I do have right now...my life, family, and friends. Being sick is obviously not the way I want to live. I know its not the way my wife or others want to see me live. I had big plans for the future when I was well. Its ok though. My spirit is at peace.

Cheer me on, stay in my corner, but do not be afraid for me. Help me live the best life I can. No one knows what tomorrow will bring. Will I get worse? It is highly likely. Will I get better? I am hopeful. Still I am glad to be here. This is my opportunity to educate and possibly help others who are dealing with an invisible illness. This disease will surely slow me down. It won't allow me to do what I used to but it won't stop me from being me. I am sick but I am still Jesse Benjamin...Jay...Jay Jay...Jay Bird! Whichever I am known by just know I have a lot of life, love, and laughter left in me.