This is no kind of life. I am breaking down. The reality is that I am NOT getting better. All of the independent functions that I use to be able to do I can no longer do. I can't bathe myself, I can't feed myself, I can barely talk longer than a few minutes, if I walk more than two or three feet I feel as if I'm going to give out and I usually do. I am keeping hope alive but my sadness is ever present. I have felt that I have had to remain strong for the sake of others around me but I can no longer do it. This is really starting to wear on me mentally and emotionally. I am determined not to let it break me but it is definitely taking its toll.
There are days I wish not to wake up. Not because I want to die but because I wish I was still asleep and all of this mess was only a nightmare. Its not though, it's my life. Why did it have to be like this? This morning a simple cup of water was too heavy to carry. My arms feel as if someone has tied them tight to my sides and dared me to go about doing things. My hands feel as if they have been taped together into fist so that I have no use of my fingers and no dexterity, my neck muscles have weakened so much that I cannot even hold my head up straight to open my mouth and eat. Frustration wraps me like a blanket so tight each and every day. I am leveled by it each morning when I awake and try to get out of the bed. Even this has become very very difficult.
I don't know how much longer this will go on but I'm only human and I don't know how much more I can take. This is not life. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope my Heavenly Father that soon will not have to put up with these ailments anymore. He has given me a wonderful support system that I hope continues with me for however long this lasts.
