Monday Monday!

A few short months ago I would be awaken on a Monday morning by my alarm, have breakfast and be heading to work right now. This Monday morning its different.  Now its doctor appointments and medication. As I write this I am going to an emergency followup appointment because I spent the weekend working hard to breathe.  My body is feeling the weakest it has been since the hospital stay in August. This is part of the battle I will have to wage from now on. Now that I know how to read the signs of depletion I am able alert my doctor before things get to bad.
My mind is in a whirlwind. I am angry,  sad, frustrated, scared, and miserable wrapped up all into one body that I do not understand anymore.  Here I go again back to the same questions, "Why has it betrayed me?", "What did I do wrong?" , "When will this end?" Its the same kick in the stomach over and over again! Not to mention the continuous flow of bills and phone calls for money that isn't there. In the meantime the assistance I need drags further and further from reality. Why do people who need help have to fight so much? Over and over! It adds to the misery because you know full well that the person you call to assist you is going to give you the same canned answer from last week.

I WANT TO SCREAM OUT, but even that could affect me the wrong way. I'm being serious too. See, I told you this disease stinks.

Well I got the anger out! The frustration remains. I guess thats normal right? The doctor is very comforting.  He is willing to do whatever we need to keep me from going downhill. That makes me feel better. He doesn't take my concerns lightly.

I have comfort from my close family and friends.  I would love even more interaction with everyone because I found out that I may have to limit myself more due to the breathing problems I already had. The MG aggravates it more.  So once more I have learned that I must take it slower still. Hmmmm ok.

My faith strengthns continually. Keeping the spiritual routine active has been a life saver. Other forms of entertainment like television, games, and movies get boring. They have no lasting value. When I listen to God's word that is when it all becomes clearer. I still have the emotions but at least it gives comfort that I am not alone. He is always watching for ways to show his power in our behalf.  He hears my cries both inner and outward. Life will be tough but he promises that it will not be like this forever. That is what my family, friends,  and l are looking forward too. 

In the meantime I wait and write. It has become a therapy for me. Getting the inner voice to the outside is hard at times. When I put pen to paper I can hear my thoughts clearly. It has become a way of keeping myself from building up the regret and anger that damaged me for so many years before. My hope is that others who are dealing with trials may be encouraged to voice their feelings too or at least see how nuts I am. HAHA!

The day continues. I go to rest now. These feelings will still be here just lessened now. I pray, relax, and put it in my heavenly father's hands.  This is the best rest ever.