My worst fear

I am not afraid of much. Not man, not even death. What I fear most is being unwanted. Will I lose my friends because of this disease? There are stories of folks with MG and diseases like mine that were abandoned because they couldn't get around like they used to. Is this going to happen to me. It is a real fear because it does happen. I am no different than anyone else, or am I?

Once, I could do anything. Now i can't. Before all of this I would go anywhere at any time. Not now. It stinks. I have to turn down invitations or break plans because of being to weak to safely get around. Will the invitations dry up? Will everyone automatically assume that I can't and cut us off? I am literally afraid of this. Will I be left at home alone because people fear that I may talk about being sick or that I am not any fun to be around?

I am still Jay, I'm just sick. My personality did not weaken only my body. My goal each day is to be positive but I am human. Doubt and fear cloud my mind constantly. Am I a terrible person for feeling this way? Maybe I am guilty of making someone feel this way in the past! That scares me. We have always worked hard to include as many as we can in our events. Perhaps I forgot someone. I hope I can make it up to them.

Maybe this is one of those downer days. My soul hurts. I don't feel sorry for myself I just feel numb. Why me? Can't anything ever go my way for once? Why must I keep getting knocked down and kicked when I am? Maybe its because I keep getting back up each time. Should I stay down this time? NO I CANNOT DO THAT! It could be that my job is to experience painful situations, make it through, then be able to help others. I wish I knew. My heavenly father promises he will not let us be tested more than we can bear. I believe it. I can bear this even though some days the weight is very heavy. I am very thankful for those who have helped us bear it.  I am grateful for the cards, calls, messages, visits, and loving deeds in our behalf. It is overwhelming and brings me to tears.

My heart is a little more calm now. I know this angst will arise again but I will always reflect on the love I feel from my friends everyday!