I had heard the phrase a number of times in my life- "The Emotional Rollercoaster". Perhaps I had even said it myself. It's the one ride no one is standing in line for, the ride no one enjoys. I am on it now.. Its a fleeting thing and the ride doesn't last very long,but the impact is lasting. I work hard to keep my spirits high. Reading my Bible and studying it is the primary source of strength and it helps a lot. Where your spirituality is, there the physical mind will follow. My loving family, and friends strengthen and encourage Shannon and me. There is no lack of strength around us. But....(there is always one) I feel frail. I don't feel sorry for myself, just frail.
This is a feeling I have never known. Although as a young kid, I was always the smallest and skinniest of the bunch, I never felt frail or weak. This body I am in now has taken me far. The physical strength I once possessed was not honed by weights or multiple gym visits. It was born in me. It come from a family where both man and woman are strong in character and physically. My grandfather was pulp wooder. I never saw my father touch a weight in his life but he can handle anything. My mother worked hard all her life. My aunts and uncles never back down from any task. Hard work, long days of physical labor outdoors, pushing, lifting, and pulling built the man I had become. As a 105 lb freshman in high school I could squat over 300lbs easy. Is it conceited to believe I could do anything? In my mind and heart there is no physical obstacle I cannot move. If you know me then you have seen it. Hence my dilemma. What I have possessed for over 30 years has been taken away in less than 1 month.
The impact on my life and body changing in such a short span of time is emotionally hard. True, health is not everything, but mentally how can one just be hunky dory everyday while dealing with something like this. I know eventually it will get better but right now I am sad. I am not sad everyday but right now I am. When I sleep at night I have dreams. In those dreams I am healthy and doing the things I like and having fun. Its when I open my eyes in the morning and the double vision is there, my arms are too weak to pull myself out of bed, my first step is unsure because I cannot balance, my hands so weak that I cannot hold a bar of soap to bathe or wash my hands, that's when it hits me.
This is the reason it has impacted me emotionally. The changes I have gone through each week have been drastic. Its been educational for me too. Last week I could manage some things and then this week another little part of me is taken. This week my, jaw muscles. Things we take for granted because they happen so naturally mean so much to me now. We have a refrigerator full of delicious meals that have been provided for us but I cannot enjoy them because chewing is too difficult. I can try but end up swallowing food that is not chewed well then it makes me sick. What muscle group will be affected next week, I don't know. My feet are starting to get weaker so time will tell.
Putting this in writing helps. I can hear myself think. The words just flow from my mind, to my fingers. There is no evident order of things. Just thoughts. Will I read these again? Perhaps. Will I feel better In a little bit? Sure. Am I going to get better? Definitely! Even if not 100% now, I have a promise so grand that it inspires me everyday. (Revelation 21:3, 4) My emotions are calmed with that. I am not a weak man. The body is, but my spirit and my heart is not. I will use what I have and know to continue helping those around me. Perhaps this has opened a way for me to exercise more than just physical muscle but the one that moves each of us-LOVE.
The ride has come to a stop. I take a deep breath and gather my thoughts, Wow that was something else. The gate is opened and I leave to enjoy the rest of the day. I know I will be back one day and I can deal with that.
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